once i was babysitting my neighbor’s 6 year old and she asked me why i was so ugly and without thinking i said “i’m you from the future” and she cried for like 30 minutes
when your mom comes home and you and your siblings didnt do anything she told you to do then she starts beating ass.
When kids point out things you’re really self conscious about
SHAKESPEARE WROTE THAT ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE.
HIS THEATER WAS CALLED THE GLOBE.
NOT ONLY WAS THAT LINE PHILOSOPHICAL AND DEEP
BUT IT WAS ALSO A FUCKING PUN
That’s pretty much Shakespeare in a nutshell. Is a line philosophical? Satirical? A pun? A dirty joke? Chances are, it’s all of the above.
there are no chances
it is most definitely all of the above
Why does no one tell me if we have people over, I just walked downstairs wearing a ‘say hey if youre gay’ T-shirt and batman boxers. We had 8 people over.
They sawdid any of them say hey
[walks around with an entire big mac in my mouth but never actually biting down] It’s a metaphor, see: you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.
CONAN: Let’s say you’re dating. Are you upfront about the miniature figurines? Do you come out with that right away?
i hate teachers who dont let u go to the bathroom because “too many people went already” like yea but none of those people were me and our bladders arent connected so just because they peed already doesnt mean i dont have to pee anymore